I don’t blog often.
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I like to pretend to challenge myself.
Especially, as a Writer and in Writing Exercises. My favorite challenge that I gravitate to, is hunting down submission contests and considering “wanted” postings for established publications.
Now, most of the time, the challenge is reading through the attitudes of others and the subjective restraints put on everything, EVERYTHING. How many people talk as if they know the Secrets to the Universe and Hold the Key, just pay for their workshop – discussion – e-book – read through these hundreds of thousands of article-styled advice of HOW IT IS and WHAT YOU SHOULD DO! – and if you disagree, well, it won’t work for you anyways! *insert a child sticking out their tongue here*.
It becomes tiring, thus, why it is a challenge.
Beyond that though, I still return, every other week or so – and peruse possible avenues of what I can do, where I could fit in, if I could just squeak my way through this nook and cranny here – then maybe, suddenly, I’ll be recognized.. or at least, noticed. Or something. One night, I’ll go to sleep and I’ll wake up a BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY – I mean, “author” – that has a billion books and is constantly sought for what they create. Truly, I do not know if this is actually what I want, but it’s a thought that I have regardless.
But then I realize, I enjoy writing – in a way – I used to revel in taking requests or commissions and wrapping my writing creatively around the concept. It’s a fun exercise. Now, I’m seeking something different though – to create for myself – and it’s a journey, for sure.
Part of it, I believe, might be my age… or point in life, that is. I’m completely free in a world of restrictions.
This “world of restrictions” frustrates me.
Why is there man-made challenge within existence?
How can there be so much push-back, so much force against pure freedom?
To me, it seems the world is neurotic, denying, toxic – and within that, though, there are many elements – individuals – people that continually, eternally heal it, or break it, or get free from it. Look around regular American society and you can see symptoms of this. One simple drive through a city forces it upon you, the advertisements, constant commerce, consume, consume, consume, vibrant life however juxtaposed next to the desolate poverty of abandoned buildings, rusted railroads, dead industries sectors, parks filled with homeless degenerates, fellow human beings isolated in a sea of people… denying, toxic, neurotic.
I lived in Seattle for 4 years. I’m coming on a year from being out of Seattle, next week. This past year I’ve been in and out of San Francisco, and now I’m pretty much in Fargo (Great timing though to align with that tv series, which is great btw). @.@
People are interesting. Diverse. Many are confused about a lot. There is great destruction on all levels of humanity’s machinations.
There are a lot of people that express interest in changing this about the world. It’s all over the Internet if you go browsing. And yet, they gravitate towards money or egoic ideals or playing by “rules” – when the rules are rigged to allow for the destruction anyhow. This absolute passivity of actual direction…
…If a civilization’s decision is made in a point in humanity’s time, does it matter what the thoughts were around this period? This is why so many records and idols and information about the past are destroyed, as an act of war.
Still, those thoughts exist – as a decision is being made – and what does it say about humanity that this can exist? What diversity! What life!
How versatile of a species are we? – that we can express our understanding and perception of reality in so many ways. Boxes, domes, triangles – so many shapes we choose to surround ourselves in – how we choose to live to our fullest presence… why is it that we would restrict such things? Why would anything be based on something created by Past Man? – Why would we trust the ones who we were before what we are now? – the ones who operated on less knowledge, less communal understanding than what we do now? …This does not just apply to the shape of your home, no.
So within this, I find myself driven to challenge myself. To Write. To Produce. To Produce so I can Consume. Consume because I’m Good. And I want to Be Good because I Want to Be Safe. Then, I realize, that’s not what I want, truly.
I want to Be… Be in Bliss and Joy and Peace, specifically.
If I have to stay on Earth, my little fantasy is to exist hidden in the woods with my life partner in a tower filled with books and archives, secret items and a varied amount of herbs, like wizards who got stuck here. If we got stuck here, which is why there are Ifs at all in these sentences. I imagine we’d have a fair amount of familiar cats and other creatures of sorts… and occasionally, some young adept would wander into our property and be like ‘wat’, we’d feed them, burn that karma or however you want to think of it, and send them on their way. It’s a fun, little fantasy.
But if part of my Be-ing here is writing, well then, I want my motivation to be because I want to write to the core of me. So, why wouldn’t I share my work as it progresses? Why would I operate with “Grandiose” Aims in Mind (book deal, $$$, etc.) as acceptable means of placing my work into society, when all I want to do is write and survive and live freely?
Yet, I like challenging myself for the fun of it too. Usually, when I finally find something I consider forcing my creative energy into, I spend a great deal of time and energy on it… but I do not finish, and then I leave it be, because the challenge had been had – and I get as far as I can, but I do not finish, not enough to wrangle a final edit.
There are things I do finish however, and projects that I wish to complete within my lifetime, and these are most of the works that I share on this blog. A space to put them as they develop, to share freely with any who care to read, happen across, respond, etc. I plan on sending some of my works out for potential publication, but always as a whim, always as something just to see what could happen (also, there’s something special, almost magickal still, about a physical book, something to hold in the hand, something to feel, a texture associated… how could this be recreated in an e-book? how?) and in the meantime, share anything I feel polished enough to be read that I have and still am developing.
Maybe, in the future, I’ll make a Graveyard Page for Dead Projects…. heh heh.
Happy New Moon.
– Dominika (June 26)
TL-DR; Challenge yourself to have fun and be in bliss! It’s okay if you don’t finish, the point was never to finish. Be Alive! – or something like that.